Who am I without them?
on coming home to myself post break-up.
It’s a strange feeling. The feeling of coming home to yourself.
The very notion of being in a partnership with someone else, requires a meshing of the two of you. It requires compromise, adapting; give and take.
And whether you like it or not, after a while humans have a habit of morphing into one another. I’m not talking about a type of co-dependency where you can’t go anywhere without the other. No, I’m talking about how your personalities slowly mix.
You use the same words, you start making similar jokes, and you pick up the same mannerisms. Some couples even look similar (it’s a thing) and even if you don’t look similar now; it can happen later. There was this crazy study where they compared photos of newlyweds, versus the same couple 25 years later. Their facial features started to look similar as time goes on, due to mimicking each other’s facial expressions for so many years. Their wrinkles formed in similar patterns.
It’s beautiful really, and it can feel like a true union of souls.
Over the years with my ex, I noticed our similarities edge closer to one another. How can they not when you spend so much time with that person?
He got me into Fontaine’s D.C and Wunderhorse; both bands I probably never would have discovered without him, but are now firmly up there with my favourites.
He ignited my love for tattoos, after watching him get a new one every couple of months. His love of good food helped me give up on my diet of either a bowl of roasted broccoli or pasta with tomato puree (no in between) and let my hair down a little when it came to eating. Over the years my humour darkened to meet his. He got me into running (5km still counts). I got him into skincare and using daily SPF. And watching ‘Married at First Sight.’ We picked up each other’s vocab. Someone even once said we looked like brother and sister (okay?????).
We were blending together.
I thought we would be tethered together for life, honestly.
But no, life had other plans for us. And now I get to rediscover who I am. Who I am without him.
What do I like to listen to now that I have free reign over the speakers? What do I want to order on Uber Eats now I don’t have to consider someone else’s preferences? What do I want to fill my time doing now I get to spend more of it with myself?
The last few weeks have felt like a revelation. It feels like I’m meeting myself again for the first time in years. I’ve started to do things that I used to do a lot before I had a partner - like my tarot cards, journaling, and reverting back to an old favourite of mine when it comes to takeout.
I’m not sure why I stopped doing these things when I had a boyfriend. I guess I need to unpack that in therapy at some point.
What have I found out about myself over the past 2.5 months post-breakup?
I enjoy solitude and alone time much more than I thought I would. Maybe I should have carved out more of it when I was in my relationship? More time to myself; simply to be. Being home alone waiting for him to rock up after a boozy night out isn’t the type of alone time I mean. No, joyful alone time. Like going to a cosy corner of a coffee shop, with my laptop and writing in my Substack. Or going to the cinema alone to see a film I really wanted to watch. Or sitting on a park bench with the sun on my face listening to the birds.
I have a new sleeping arrangement where I lie on my back, my head on a pillow, with two pillows either side propping up my arms. This is the comfiest set-up ever; I’m enjoying it so much and it absolutely could not happen with a significant other in my bed as well. This is how I will be sleeping for the foreseeable. No one come near me.
I do enjoy true crime podcasts! Sorry, I don’t care if it makes me a psycho. I guess I have a morbid curiosity. And now I get to listen to them whenever I want.
I have the best friends and family I could ever ask for, I have felt so looked after by them all through-out this break up and I am forever grateful.
I think I need to dye my hair red, I’ve been umming and ahhing about it for years. My ex wasn’t so sure of the idea. I think now might be the right time (or is this too much of a post break-up clique? Be honest!).
I am so brave. And I can do hard things; I’m doing them.
Rediscovering myself without them has been painful, and joyful all at once.
I can’t wait to get to know myself even more deeply. I am determined not to lose her ever again. No one can ever love me as much as she can. She has looked after me over the years, and here she is looking after me now.
It’s me and you babe. I’m home.
x
I’m 33 and ended my 13 year relationship last month. I’m so with you on this journey to learning who I truly am, and all the wants, needs and desires that are buried deep. I don’t think there is a better time to do this than in our 30s, setting us up for the most freeing of 40s. My 20s were hella fun but I hadn’t yet learned to advocate for myself or set boundaries, and was much more impressionable and people pleasing. Whereas in my 30s, I feel like I’ve shed some of that and so I have more control and clarity. All this is to say, I’m excited for what comes for both us in this next chapter. Right here with you babe 💘
Hi! I’m right there with you. The homecoming. The intentional alone time is real. I used to look at alone time as filler in between time spent with him. A rude but much needed awakening. Sending hugs on your healing journey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤️