Tell me you want me, baby.

on giving up the don't-give-a-fuck-cool-girl energy and trying to avoid avoidant men.

Photo by Klugzy Wugzy on Unsplash

‘Will you say something nice?” I said, tears rolling down my face, chin wobbling.

I’d had a really long day at an on-site work meeting and when I rolled through the door at 8.35pm I wanted a hug. I wanted a reassuring ‘How was it? I’m glad your home.’

I don’t recall getting one. Overwhelmed and tired, I got emotional.

‘Will you say something nice?” I said. He looked at me blankly. ‘Like what?’ He said.

‘Just tell me something nice, I really need it right now, I’ve had such an intense day’ I said, tearfully (I was due on my period).

There was a stiffness to him as he searched for something to say. He paused for a few seconds and eventually came out with ‘I like your shirt’.

I guess that was it. In theory, he’d said something nice, right? But I’d secretly hoped for something more. Like maybe, ‘I’m so proud of you baby’ or ‘You’re the best’. Something meaningful, something deep and loving.

Was that so wrong of me? A pang of sadness ran through me.

It was such a small trivial transaction, but it was the beginning of the end in many ways. Although I hadn’t realised it yet. I silently cried myself to sleep that night, letting the tears trickle down my face and gather into a wet patch on my pillow. I knew I would never get what I so badly wanted from him.

No gushy words. No tender expressions.

He’s just not the romantic type. He’s not into words of affirmations. He’s not soppy.

I knew what I signed up for getting into that relationship. I’d been okay with it. He wasn’t the best with his words, but he’d shown me love in other ways.

Sometimes people just don’t have the language nor the toolbox to be able to express their emotions. Men especially; I guess it doesn’t always feel safe for them to get in touch with their feelings. And you can understand why, when the rhetoric is often, ‘toughen up lad’.

In a lot of ways, I’d never thought of myself as an overly gushy person either. It’s true that I can get emotional, and on a special birthday I’ve been known to write a lengthy sentimental card. But generally, I was happy living without the OTT cringey mush. (Ironic considering my Substack is literally all about my feelings!).

But now I wonder how much of that is actually true. Or whether I was just putting on a blasé persona. Maybe, I did want the mushy shit?

The wet puddle on my pillow that night, told me I really did.

In that moment, I wanted to be held; physically and with his words. And he couldn’t.

‘I like your shirt’ didn’t cut it.

Since this relationship has fallen apart, I’ve had some time to think about the reasons why I found myself in that relationship to begin with.

There were lots of amazing reasons. But it is true that our relationship had an avoidant air to it. We avoided the words ‘I love you’, mainly because it wasn’t easy for him to say often. If I’m honest I would have liked to hear it more, but I told myself it didn’t matter too much because I felt the love.

But, just because you know they love you, doesn’t mean you don’t need to hear it. I know it’s not really his fault that he can’t get the words out. I can’t help but feel sadness for the little boy he once was. But whilst I can understand and empathise, I can still want more.

So what have I learnt from being with an avoidant partner?

• You are not going to be the one to change them (sorry). They will continue in the same cycles unless they actually do the work.

• It’s not actually you they are running from, its the version of themselves they would need to become to be with you.

• Listen closely when they tell you that they fell out of love with their previous long-term partner (there might be a pattern here?)

• It’s okay to want to be told how much they care about you and love you (and its okay to go if they can’t give you that).

• Give up on the cool-girl-don’t-give-a-fuck-energy - you do and its okay!

So yeah, when I do eventually find myself back on the dating scene I’m officially avoiding avoidant men (or trying). Playing the game, acting aloof and squashing down your needs is not cool. It’s much sexier to know what you want and unapologetically own it.

And what do I want? I want the obvious love. The (dare I say it) cringey love?

I want to hear the words, meaningful words. Brave words, vulnerable words. I want to feel wanted.

So tell me you want me, baby!

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