It was all laid out for me but will I be served or asked to leave?

on making decisions and people making them for you.

Photo by Andy Quezada on Unsplash

Currently, I’m sitting at the table waiting for something to happen.

So much of my life is uncertain right now. I’m really having to learn to lean into it rather than push against it.

I had a good week last week; I had finally dragged myself out of my funk and stopped the bed rotting. I tidied my room, spontaneously joined a gym, finally started on a dreaded assignment which I had been putting off for weeks and was beginning to forge a vague plan on what the next six months might look like…

There has been an idea stirring in me over the past few weeks. Slowly bubbling away, on a low heat. I’ve been distracted with all the changes in my life, and I’d taken my eyes away from the stove. But it continued to simmer quietly in the background, deepening in colour and flavour.

To move and live abroad.

Let’s be clear, this wasn’t a completely alien idea. It’s something I’d discussed with my ex-boyfriend previously. We were both getting restless of our current city - in hindsight, maybe we were actually just getting restless of each other?

Either way, discussions of moving had come up here and there over the years, but we had never followed through with it.

Maybe, this is exactly what I need: a complete switch up. A chance to get out of the city I have lived in now for over ten years and away from the possibility of bumping into my ex (and inevitably feeling a way about it).

I work remotely so it’s kind of ideal, and my company has headquarters in a big European city. I have friends and colleagues there, and an office to go to, plus they would support me with my visa (the joys of Brexit).

It’s not just laid out on a plate for me: it’s a perfectly fucking formed table set up with a lit candle and a frilly napkin at the ready.

There would probably never be an easier chance for me to live abroad. Plus, I love the city so much. It’s not like there’s much here for me now. I have no real home. No partner. Sure, my friends are here (and I would miss them greatly) but they will always be there and maybe it was time to make some new ones. A chance to push myself out of my comfort zone.

It was a terrifying prospect but it also felt like it could be the most crazy exciting idea of my life. I had already floated the idea with my manager previously - and she and the rest of my team have always said they would love to have me move.

At the twice yearly company party I travel to attend to, I get told “When are you moving already! Girl, we want you here!”.

Now, there was a tiny issue with this plan… I’m not super happy with my job but I figured maybe I would enjoy it more when I’m actually going to an office and feeling more like part of a team?

After, weeks of debating the idea with my therapist and friends I finally decided to make my decision: I officially told my boss I wanted to move.

I had finally been brave enough to take a seat at the table. It was all laid out for me.

I was waiting for her to say, “This is the best news ever! Let’s get this ball rolling!”. I felt both excited and nervous.

I was waiting for the waiter to bring out my food. I had a feeling my next course might just be delicious.

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Instead, I was met with an awkward glance. Her flustered red cheeks glared at me on the screen. She was fumbling her words, not quite finding the right fitting thing to say. She eventually landed on: “I can’t give you an answer right now.” She looked embarrassed and moved on to another topic.

Oh.

After weeks of internal battle with my terror of the unknown, and fear of stepping out of my comfort zone.

I was sitting with my decision and finally ready to embrace what seemed to be perfectly laid out for me. And now, it sounded like instead of getting a delicious meal, I might just be asked to leave…

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So here I am. Again, catapulted into the unknown. More uncertainty.

I guess I’ve made my decision, but it sounds like the decision might just be made for me. I’m so tired.

(Update: my company made redundancies last week, and I am waiting for my fate on Monday. It’s not looking good.)

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