I experienced a dark night of the soul, and I'm still standing.

I'm back... but I'm not the same.

Photo by Jeff Nissen on Unsplash

First off, I’m sorry for abandoning you guys! (Will you please accept me back?)

The last few months have been an intense period of endurance and resilience - and post break break up I started the year on shaky ground to begin with. I was laid off from my job in early March and since then I have cried in every coffee shop across the city. The sheer terror of having no connections to any tangible parts of the former life I created for myself was so hard to deal with, especially at the age of 30. If I’m honest, my brain didn’t have much space for anything other then just attempting to keep myself afloat somehow (cue the heavy doggy-paddling).

Being unemployed should have been a time where I threw myself into writing my Substack - but I just couldn’t seem to get anything done. I think being dumped from both my boyfriend and then my job triggered a deep wound in me that I am not good enough, that no one cares about what I write or how hard I work.

It all felt useless. I felt cracked wide open: it was a deep and painful fracture.

I applied to hundreds of jobs and I got rejection after rejection which just made things feel worse. I have sat in my therapy chair every Wednesday since then and cried my eyes out. I’ve admitted awful feelings in that chair about how everyone in my life seems to have it all together. My two best friends and sister brought their first homes, which I hate to admit, but it, stung. Then theres my younger sister and ex who both own their own companies that seem to be very successful (gulp, cue the internalised worthlessness)

And then there was me: Thirty. Totally broke. A minuscule amount of savings - certainly not enough for a house deposit. No direction. No job. No partner. No idea what the fuck I’m doing.

My friend declared cheerily to me over coffee “well look, it can’t get any worse”. It was heartfelt, but fuck me I hoped she was right. I was at rock bottom - it had to be up from here?

I can confirm a few months later - I’m through the worst. Every day, its slowly, step by step, getting better. So if you are in the pits right now - maybe you’ve lost your job? Or you are going through the worst break up of your life? I promise it will be ok - and in time things will start to shift.

But yes, I truly think the last few months I have been experiencing my own dark night of the soul.

These testing times are sent to teach you, however painful that lesson is. You can either choose to listen and notice and then iterate moving forward or you can choose to ignore it and be bound to the same familiar patterns in the future. The universe will send you another way to learn the lesson and you’ll do it all over again.

Trust me: learn the first time. Save yourself any future pain.

So what have I learnt?

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⁂ Learn when to walk away ⁂

I have a tendency to stick around too long. I am loyal and stoic and have no problem with enduring. I am not easily put off and I will stay and keep trying until theres nothing to try for anymore. I’ll stay until I’m dumped/ laid off/ disregarded. I stay in situations that don’t serve me, and I don’t even notice.

The last year of my relationship was no longer filling up my cup. It didn’t make me feel seen, heard or prioritised. And then when it comes to the last year of my job: I was not enjoying at all. It wasn’t fulfilling me, I didn’t feel inspired, but I stayed largely because I didn’t wan’t to put them out or mess them about.

How ridiculous is that?

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⁂ Your fear is lying to you ⁂

I placed so much importance on having a successful career. In fact, I recently found out my Chiron placement is based in my 10th house in Virgo… (if you are into astrology you will know that your Chiron placement in your chart points to your “core wound”. Mine is an area that relates to career and success - a feeling of no matter how hard I work its never quite enough. Then I have Virgo’s critical and perfectionistic tendancies magnifying the whole fucking thing - so its like a double whammy.)

Basically, I have always had this deep fear that I must work hard and be successful and do the “right” thing when it comes to my career. Losing my job snatched that from me. It took my career and said, “Times up! Time to redirect yourself on a different path!”. It has been so scary - one of my biggest fears - but it has taught me that maybe there are other ways to approach “success”. A great unravelling, a softening, loosening the grip on needing to be perfect or successful. I’m learning to redefine success according to MY values, not what society tells me (its hard). I’m living my biggest fears right now - and I’m okay.

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⁂ Don’t be so hard on yourself - learn to do gentle* yoga ⁂

This sort of relates to my need to succeed - my inner critic can be so mean. My therapist tells me all the time that I’m too hard on myself. My internal chatter constantly tells me I’m too fat /awkward /lazy /mean /unsuccessful /ugly /broke /boring loud/ self absorbed /unfriendly /judgemental /bitchy /awkward etc I could go on and on..

To combat this I am always on some sort of quest to “be better” - whether its a diet, a new hobby, a new hair care regime, a new self help book or journal, or a new work out regime. Whatever it is, its a plan to make my future self be a better version of me. But I am enough. I am enough just as I am - although that can be so hard to believe. If I’m truly honest I’m not sure if I really believe it yet, but I’m working on it. One of my big loves is yoga - but the hard, flowy type. Because I *obviously* need to make it a worthwhile work out. Well, this year has taught me that I need the gentle yoga more. I need to be okay with sitting with myself in stillness. In a gentle movement not forcing a hard posture. I don’t need any more hard things this year - I need a soft hug. If thats you too - maybe go to a yin yoga class and have a piece of cake. Its okay.

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In line with my new soft, gentle energy - I will be coming back with my newsletter. It wont be polished and perfect and that’s okay. It will be my weekly rambles. And lets remember, done is better than perfect.

I will aim to have it posted every Wednesday but that doesn’t happen thats okay too. This is just for fun. I do have some really exciting plans coming up and I will update you all in good time. I hope you come along for the ride with me.

Love you all. If you are still reading this, thank you.

Sending you a BIG hug.

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