Growing pains: a (*very) honest account of my 20s

I'm scared of sharing this one.

Photo by Taylor Friehl on Unsplash

I’m feeling surprisingly nostalgic at the prospect of this chapter finally closing, given that everyone knows your twenties are the pits. The last decade has been a bumpy ride, but I guess that is the price you pay to finally meet the thirty-year shift. It takes a while to learn the lessons (or at least it did for me).

It’s with the same notion of clearing out all the physical stuff that I’ve collected over the years, like Christmas decks that I no longer have space for now that I have decanted my life into tiny room. Today, I’m shedding all the baggage I’ve collected over the last decade. I intend to clear out the old, and make space for new, good shit to come flooding into my life. But first, one must own the past, forgive oneself and let that shit go.

I found it liberating getting this down on the page. I have had some moments over the last decade where it’s felt like I have really fucked it this time. The sorts of moments that you think, will I get over this? But I can safely assure you, life does, in fact, always go on. Life goes on, but mum’s do have a habit of saving the day (and I recognise that’s a gift that’s not given to all of us).

But let’s be clear here, my twenties have not been all doom and gloom. I have really had fun. Like, a lot of fun. I have met some amazing people along the way, I have travelled, danced, screamed, sang, got drunk, partied, and loved A LOT. So, this is also a loving homage to my twenties – the lessons I learnt along the way, and the ones I was given but ignored anyway and carried on.

So here we go, buckle up while I overshare some of the moments from my defining decade. It’s a long one; I’ve got ten years to cover. With *most* of the bad behaviour included.

---

19

Let me set the scene here for a bit of context at where I was coming from when I joined the second decade of my life. I had not finished college with A*s ready to go out into the world fully prepared.

No, instead, I was still utterly ashamed and reeling from getting done for drink driving and losing my licence, job and dignity earlier in year. I had sloped off quietly to London to stay with my dad, embarrassed at my actions and physically unable to get anywhere in the quiet countryside now that I could not drive. A messy (metaphorically and physically), young woman covered in spots, and with (I kid you not) green tinged hair from all the washed-out brown box-dye on my blonde hair. I had absolutely no idea who I was, and I had still not even vaguely managed to know my limits when it came to drinking.

After living at my dads for a few months to ‘cool off’ over the summer, I left to go to university that September. Five months into university, I officially turned twenty. I can’t remember what I did for my birthday. But I can say with almost 100% certainty I was definitely too drunk.

-

Though, I do remember being at my friend’s 20th - I was so anxious, because I didn’t really know anyone else there and all her friends were the clever brainy types that, through no fault of their own, made me feel so stupid and useless. I was also nervous about seeing her mother, who I had always felt had never really taken a shining to me. Anyway, naturally I drank my way through it. So much so, that I fell onto her mother’s Moroccan table, which, really didn’t help my popularity case. After that it gets hazy, but I’m pretty certain there were tears and I’m pretty sure I might have been naked upstairs at one point, because I think I woke up half-dressed.

A lesson I learnt (the hard way): Don’t drink drive.

A lesson I ignored: Know when to stop drinking. Using more box dye is not going to solve the problem.

---

20

I met a guy I knew vaguely from back home staying in my university halls and we became best friends. We spent our mid-week evenings squished into one of our uni hall beds watching American Horror Story on Netflix and ordering Dominos. Or just being in hysterics about some stupid joke. We’d go out and party a lot. I remember he contracted scabies in the first term and had to cover his whole body in cream. I should have known then that he wasn’t the one. He dropped out of university after the first term, I was so sad. But we stayed so close, and he would come up to see me on the weekends and months later we went from friends to more.

He was one of the three big loves of my life so far. He really taught me how to be a *grown-up* couple. I’d had a long-term first love before him but that was something very different - there was an real innocence there. This was a whole new ball game. This was my twenties.

Looking back, we weren't a good match relationship wise. I was so naïve, and I really had no idea what I was doing and I’m not sure he took a lot of care with me at times. But I did really love him.

One of the most thrilling and terrifying risks of all is when you gamble a really good friendship for something deeper knowing full well you could lose out on both. (spoiler: that’s eventually what happened).

-

I also had all 4 wisdom teeth taken out when I was 20 and let me tell you… it wasn’t pretty. Whoever said it’s a walk in the park was lying. I was not at all well, but I guess in some way it felt like some sort of initiation into adulthood.

-

I went to Jamaica for the summer holidays for three weeks with my best friend. We stayed with my old nanny who now lives there and who used to look after me as a kid. She moved out there years before. She has white, blonde hair, pale skin that does not tan and a t’ick Jamaican aksent. I swam in a lagoon full of plankton that glows around you as you swim in the dark. I remember cupping my hands in the water and seeing a whole galaxy of stars in my hands.

A lesson I learnt: **though not at all advised** taking unprescribed ADHD medication will mean you can sit down and write a 2500 word essay in one sitting (even if that sitting, is at your university halls kitchen table, with a laptop surrounded by fag butts, dirty pans and old bits of onion - you still managed).

A lesson I ignored: you really don’t need a boyfriend who doesn’t make you feel good.

---

21

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin in my twenties. I hated my naked body. My then boyfriend was not understanding about my vulnerabilities either, which didn’t help. That summer I went up North to stay with my dad. I basically ate one meal a day for a month and watched the weight drop off. This wasn’t unusual for me. This was the cycle I was in all throughout my twenties if I’m honest. I’d go weeks barely eating completely set on getting to my goal weight (which by the way never happened). It was so extreme and restrictive that eventually I’d give up and pile the weight back on and more, every time.

Most of my diaries are full of passages about how many calories I’ve eaten that day or that I will make up for it tomorrow. It’s sad to read. Sadly, I think most women know that reality.

A lesson I learnt: The contraceptive pill is not that great. I stopped taking my contraceptive pill this year. I read Sweetening the Pill: Or How We Got Hooked on Hormonal Birth Control by Grigg-Spall Holly. It remains as one of the most influential books I’ve ever read.

A lesson I ignored: Be kind to your body and feed it what it needs. Binge/Restrict yo-yo dieting never works for long term weight loss. I didn’t need to loose weight.

---

22

By this time, I had broken up with my uni boyfriend *shocker*.

If I remember rightly the final nail in the coffin to what was an already sinking ship was that I decided to work at Glastonbury festival instead of going with him to this exclusive invite-only Oxford University Piers Gav Society Ball. It’s supposedly some posh drug fuelled sex party where you just know most of the attendees will be insufferable, but I was still kind of intrigued as a sort of bucket-list thing. Apparently, it’s the same party David Cameron is rumoured to put his you-know-what into a pig’s head? We got the invite of some random guy we made friends with the year before at a festival.

Anyway, I’ll never know what actually goes on in those parties because I forfeited my one chance to go for Glasto instead. Much to my ex-boyfriend’s dismay.

So yeah, first Glasto. It was amazing, me and my best friend went and worked in a chip van. It just so happened to be the hottest day of the year when we worked our first day shift. I was wearing Birkenstocks and the rubber soles gradually melted off throughout the day, leaving rubber smear marks everywhere and rendering my sandals kaputt. I had the best time ever, and I watched the sun come up by the stone circle (an unwritten rule for Glastonbury festival). There was a guy there with a giant fluffy rabbit on his shoulder. It must have been about 5am. I wasn’t sure if it was real life, but I do have the picture to prove it, so it must have been.

-

Later, that year I went off to travel India for a month or two. It was an amazing (slightly scary) experience at times. Again, with my best-friend which if you haven’t already gathered has been joined at my hip through-out my twenties, and even before. God, I love her.

I have endless stories of her looking after me. She once washed my muddy feet in a shower at a festival at about 2am. Like a loving mum to a giant baby (I can’t remember if I was crying, but probably). It had rained the entire day, and the mud was thick and deep. I didn’t let that stop me partying until eventually my boots got stuck in the mud and both my feet slipped right out, one after the other. Once they had been swallowed up by the mud there was no way I was getting them back. The next day I had to spend my last £20 on a new pair of wellies from the festival shop. Only later, I fell asleep with them still on my feet, both legs sticking out of my tent as they were covered in a layer of thick mud. A passerby slid them right off my feet and I was back to square one. With my last £20 already spent, I’m not proud to say that I retaliated by taking some other victim’s muddy shoes after that. I passed the buck (sorry). It sums up how your twenties can feel.

A lesson I learnt: Go with your gut, it’s usually always right. Glastonbury was the right decision that year.

A lesson I ignored: Two pairs of shoes are essential for any festival. I still often go with only one pair.

---

23

University complete, and back from travelling India. Now I’m working in a bar in town. It was a bar that stayed open late and basically only sold beer. That was the year I decided I liked beer, and I started drinking it. A lot. Before that I never liked the taste, and I would stick to Gin & Tonic instead. I was single and had some questionable flings around this time. The sorts of romantic encounters that I look back on and honestly question what was going on for me at that time?

I was not that happy this year. My ex-boyfriend got a new girlfriend and blocked me and that made me feel weird. I remember vividly, crossing the road once and not really caring if a car hit me. Which is crazy because I wasn’t suicidal, I was just sad. I just couldn’t be bothered to care; is the only way I could describe that feeling.

-

Soon after working at the bar, I contracted mumps (at least I think I did) - my face swelled up and I looked like a chubby little hamster for about two weeks. My best friend, who I lived with also got sick and we spent two weeks confined to our flat going slightly stir-crazy. At one point, I was crying so she covered my face in fake-diamanté stickers spelling out my name to cheer me up. It worked.

-

I didn’t last long working in that bar, the 4am night shift proved too hard to sustain. So, I got a new job working as a receptionist at a doctors. As you can imagine, the money was shit. But the team was such a lovely group of old ladies (mostly) that I have good memories of that job even though it was painfully hard work at times. Everyone that calls up automatically hates you and has no problem telling you so. There we’re some humorous moments though, I once told a patient to take a seat, and he looked at me deadpan and said, “where shall I take it?”. Or another time, when a patient rolled in on a wheelchair with a loo-seat around his neck, completely unfazed.

A lesson I learnt: Guinness is actually delicious.

A lesson I ignored: Don’t sleep with guys you don’t really fancy. You should be picky; they are lucky to have the chance. Know you’re worth.

---

24

I got another boyfriend. He was a nice guy, but it wasn’t anything special for either of us I don’t think. Made clear when his dad called me by his ex-girlfriend’s name. He was great in bed though, and we did have some really fun times together. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I eventually cheated on him, when I was totally fucked up at a festival. I actually had to text the other guy and asked him if we’d kissed because my memory was so hazy I couldn’t tell if it was real or not.

I felt so bad once I found out what I’d done that I called my boyfriend to confess while I was still at the festival. He didn’t get mad or break up with me on the spot - which was surprising honestly. But, again, points to the fact that our relationship might not have been that deep anyway.

-

I started having health issues this year. Me and my then boyfriend were away on a trip for his birthday. Soon after we arrived, I went to hospital in an ambulance with sudden excruciating pain in my stomach that made me drop to the floor and writhe around. It was a suspected burst cyst in my womb. Nothing was done about it, and I was later told it could just have been a heavy period later by another doctor. I knew it wasn’t (for starters, I wasn’t on my period). A few weeks after our trip to A&E me and my then boyfriend broke up. I think we both knew our hearts weren’t in it.

A lesson I learnt: You will not be taken seriously by doctors for gynaecological pain, and you will have to fight to be heard.

A lesson I ignored: When you get the feeling that your heart isn’t in it, it’s best to leave before you cheat on them drunkenly.

---

25

This is the start of the Covid years. This was 2020. I’d spent the lead up to the New Year telling all my friends I had a feeling this was going to be ‘the best year ever’ - I am now banned from ever saying it again in my friendship group for fear of what the year might just turn into.

I started a new job in the new year as I was sick of getting paid next to nothing on my receptionist salary and I thought I’d give sales a try. It was kind of like being thrown into a shark tank. It was terrifyingly competitive, and I frequently felt like I could be teared to shreds at any moment. From my first day, I realised there were clear, unwritten rules, that everyone abided by. I was told our working day finished at 6pm but when 6pm rolled around and even remotely looked like they were getting ready to leave I realised what sort of place this was. Feel free to leave at 6pm, but we are testing you to see if you are first out the door. If you fall victim to the trap, you will most likely be fired within your first month. And I saw it happen more times than I can count.

When I first joined there was a colleague I met, who I had a couple of drunk nights out with. He told me he was going to hand in his notice as he hated working there and I should get out now. That’s really want you want to hear after just starting a new job (!). I started to wonder what I’d gotten myself into. I think we must have worked together a grand total of 3 weeks before he left. About a week after that, the whole country went into lockdown and we we’re all sent home. I didn’t see him till much later on in the year when our paths crossed again. He later became the love of my life. We realised we had both lived in the same area of London at the same time, and both went travelling to the same place as teenagers, only one year apart. That’s some invisible string shit. Or am I romanticizing it? Either way. I feel like we we’re meant to find each other. He taught me so much and he is the guy I have just broken up with. He’s been a running theme the last 4 years.

-

But we haven’t got to that part yet. I’m still single and have been working at home for a few weeks in my sales job, sitting on a simmering UTI that I had for about a month and ignored (eh Covid times). The last bottle of wine I drank on a Friday night Zoom session finally tipped me over the edge into a full-blown kidney infection. After a few days of trying to battle it with antibiotics, I was taken to hospital. My mum couldn’t come in because that was the rules during the pandemic. I remember leaving her at the door while I got admitted over-night and she was crying. Once I felt a bit better, I got delivered a little handwritten note from the nurses, it was my mumma saying she loved me. I was fine after a couple of weeks of recovering, but I was put on furlough because of my time out from work. I stayed furloughed all summer.

My flatmate had moved in with her boyfriend while I got sick, and when I got home and finally felt well again, I was living alone with what felt like no job. It got weird pretty quick.

-

I met a guy on a dating app, and we chatted for a bit. I was so lonely and bored. Eventually things got serious and when the restrictions started to lift somewhat, we started hanging out. It was and remains to be the only seriously toxic relationship I’ve ever had. It didn’t last long, thankfully. Only a few months, but he was hard to get rid of and really scared me. There we’re serious mental health issues there, and he had dealt with a lot of traumatic things that I obviously won’t go into. But when he got naked in the street in broad daylight after I tried to break it off with him, I knew I had to get out of that situation, quickly.

-

By the Christmas of that year, I was rushing back from my family home to see my invisible string sales boy (soon to be full-on LOML) and who I had just started casually dating.

A lesson I learnt: Do not drink wine and coffee while you have a UTI.

A lesson I ignored: Stop trying to be the saviour, that’s just your ego. People need to fix themselves.

---

26

What an uneventful year.

My 26th birthday my two best friends came round, and we all got drunk and sang One Direction - History at the top of our lungs. By this point, I was four months deep into a situationship with invisible string sales boy. It had been a rocky ride so far, there had been mixed signals, and he kept me at arm’s length. We had had some arguments along the way where I’d stormed out, so angry as his nonchalant attitude. By the fifth month, he cut things off and said he didn’t want a relationship.

I’m a double Aquarius (sun and moon), famously known for being aloof so naturally I played it off cool. I said OK and went home. Inside I was crushed. I remember at work on Monday I cried in the office. A couple of weeks later he came to his senses and admitted he’d made a mistake and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Something switched in him after that, he softened. He became very boyfriend-y overnight. It was weird. We were happy, but there were still some issues.

-

By summer that year I finally quit that sales job, with the push of my then boyfriend. I was working crazy hours, and the stress was definitely making my womb issues worse. By this point I had been given multiple internal and external scans and told it was likely I may have endometriosis. Autumn comes around and I’ve got a new job. It’s much more chilled and the working culture is actually supportive and kind.

-

I move house this year, into a three bed just down the road with two of my girlfriends. We have mice, lots of mice.

A lesson I learnt: Sometimes the best decision is to just quit. Mice will get into anywhere.

A lesson I ignored: Don’t let yourself get into a situationship in the first place. If he’s not sure from the off, he probably ain’t the one.

---

27

By this year, me and my invisible string sales boyfriend had sat down and had some big conversations about what needs to change in our relationship. We both implemented those changes, and what followed was two years of heaven. I was truly, madly, deeply in love. We both were. I moved in with him this year. It was the first time I’d ever lived with a boy. We had the best time.

We went on a trip to Ireland, and I can honestly say it was one of my favourite trips ever. In fact, I can’t write about that trip much because it makes me feel painfully nostalgic.

-

I was still drinking a lot; it was my boyfriends 30th and we had a massive piss up. I got so drunk that I began telling my whole life story to this poor girl I barely knew. I realised the next morning she was pretty much sober that night. How embarrassing.

-

I went on a four-day sailing trip this year; I decided it wasn’t for me. I took some work trips abroad. I went down to Cornwall with a big group of friends and got so drunk dancing in different coloured wigs. I then went to Devon later in the year with my boyfriend - it rained the whole time. We went to the pub, and I cried to him about how exhausting the patriarchy is, and how he should be more of an ally over a Guinness. He told me to start a women’s group (the irony!). I went on my first fishing trip and found out that fishing is so boring.

I got promoted that year, yeah, my 27th year was probably the best year of my whole life.

A lesson I learnt: People really can change if they are willing to put in the work. Let’s stop making excuses for people so often. Open communication is key to any good relationship. Oh, and laughter (obvs!)

A lesson I ignored: One should never start telling their life story to someone you don’t know well if you are drunk. Especially if they didn’t ask (they never do).

---

28

Woah, ok. Some big changes this year. (Ok, Saturn I see you).

Firstly, I started taking my physical health seriously for the first time ever. I smoked my last ever cigarette on my 28th birthday (but swapped to strawberry banana flavoured elf bars so not much of a win if I’m honest). I started going to Pilates and walking a lot. I did it all through summer. An early morning walk for 45 minutes to an hour.

-

Took another trip with friends to the countryside, I got so drunk on prosecco I told my friends brother he seemed like a lost boy. I still cringe at that. Could I make myself sound anymore of a dick?

-

I took a holiday with my invisible string boyfriend, as he had just quit his job to start a business. We spent a week together in the sun and then I left to go home, and he stayed on to travel for a month to utilize his newfound freedom. We both sobbed at the station saying goodbye. That was another good holiday.

-

I’d lost a bit of weight this year from all the exercise, so I struggled to handle my drink, even more (if that’s even possible). I had three big blow-out nights over the summer that I’m completely embarrassed of and that I barely remember. Two of them ended with a huge fight with my invisible string boyfriend. The last one he almost broke up with me.

That was the sign I needed to change. I went sober after that for about 6 months. I had to take a really hard look at how I was behaving, and I didn’t like it. And it was jeopardising my relationship. So, I stopped.

-

I took another rainy trip to Cornwall that summer, I gave myself plantar fasciatus the week before when my invisible string boyfriend told me I could easily do a 10k without proper running shoes, having never ran. As a result, I could barely walk for this trip which was quite hilarious because that’s kind of what you go to Cornwall for. I was still not drinking; it was causing us some issues in our relationship. I guess he thought it was boring. I’m not sure he liked this new me.

-

My dad got married, both my grandads died.

A lesson I learnt: You need a good quality pair of running shoes if you’re going to run.

A lesson I ignored: To love someone long term is to witness the endless transformation of who they once were, and to celebrate it. (Not everyone’s ready to meet you where you’re at)

---

29

The final year of my twenties. On my birthday, we did my tarot cards, and I got the death card. It talked about the ending of a relationship and me, and my girlfriends discussed whether it meant I would break up with my invisible string boyfriend. We all agreed it must be something else. Ha, the universe always knows, and it had other plans for me.

-

I started drinking again a bit this year, but I can count on one hand how many times I have had more than two drinks. I’ve only been drunk once, and it was at a hen-party, so I feel like that has to be forgiven. I kicked the strawberry banana vape habit this year and I’m probably in the best shape of my life. But I did spent a lot of time indoors on the weekends, struggling to know who I am and what I like to do when it’s not all centred around alcohol and getting pissed.

-

I took a trip to Paris and just didn’t have a great time. I had terrible period pains, and everyone thought my invisible string boyfriend would propose. He obviously didn’t. I took an amazing girl’s trip in the sun; we had the best time, and it just reminds me how important great friendships are. I took another holiday in the sun with my invisible string boyfriend over the summer and we had such a good time. It surprised me when he woke me up at 7am months later, on a Tuesday and told me he didn’t see a future with me.

Overall, it’s not been a great year.

A lesson I learnt: I am braver and more resilient than I ever imagined.

A lesson I ignored: Always trust the tarot cards, you cannot outsmart them. You’re just kidding yourself.

---

I seriously commend you if you made it this far. I will be astonished if anyone does.

This is where we are. The end of my defining decade. That was so cathartic.

I feel so grateful to everyone that made it so special over the years, for my family, my friends, and my ex-lovers. Who have inspired me, pushed me, taught me things about love and life. A mother’s love knows no bounds, and great friendships will endure and truly save you. To, the love of my life – thank you for the lessons and the love. I will cherish them forever.

Do you have any pivotal moments from your twenties you’d like to share (I wont judge)?

x