Getting comfortable with a flatshare: 5 lessons I learned post-breakup
a few tips on what has helped me navigate a change of homes
I’ve never lived in a flat share with randos before, unless you count the halls I lived in for the first year of university?
I’ve been lucky that I’ve pretty much always lived with my best friend, in one way or another. We went travelling a lot together in our twenties, and if you can survive sharing a bed for months on end, mosquito ridden and overtired without arguing you can endure any living situation. We lived together for eight years, and over that time we just learnt to give each other a lot of grace and not to sweat the small stuff.
You can imagine, that when I moved in with my now ex-boyfriend, it was a big deal for her and I. It felt like the end of an era.
Fast forward to this year, and after my surprise breakup in September, it felt scary to not be able to move back in with her. Living with her feels like my safe space that I know so well. But due to her lease and the timings, I had no alternative but to move into a flat share, it was the first time living with strangers. And it felt scary, especially at almost-30. Let me share what I’ve learnt so far:
1. Make your new space your sanctuary
When your home suddenly doesn’t feel like your home its absolutely key to make your space feel like yours as much as possible. Even if you won’t be there for long, it’s worth investing a bit of effort and money into so it feels as comfortable as possible.
For me, that looked like buying a pair of linen blend curtains from Amazon that reached the floor. I envisioned cozying up in my room on the winter evenings and being able draw them shut (for some reason they feel more comforting than a blind). Or the huge paper lampshade I brought for a few pounds from Argos, but it really does make the room feel more put together. I also treated myself to a new thick cotton towelling dressing gown and hair turban so I can feel like I’m in a hotel or living my sex-in-the-city dreams when I’m post-shower and writing at my desk with a cuppa.
If you can, invest in small things that your space feel nice – even if its just short term. It makes all the difference, and you need all the help you can get if you are transitioning a breakup and settling into a new home.
2. Cooking for one can be easy if you keep it simple
One of the biggest changes has been adjusting to cooking for one. Or, in my case – adjusting to cooking in general (ha!). When I was living with my ex, he would regularly make the brekkie/lunch/dinner for us – knowing all too well that if he left it in my incapable hands, it would probably turn out shit. Burnt, stuck to the pan or just a weird concoction of flavours that didn’t work when I would go off piste and make it up (he hated that, much preferring me to stick. to. the. recipe.). So, when I moved out, I knew I had to come up with something easy. These are two things I’ve found work really well and I’m eating over and over:
A big batch of bean salad for lunches– its super easy, healthy and totally lettuce-less so actually lasts well through-out the week. Just make sure you make up your dressing separately in a jar and add it each time.
My go to is butter beans (good quality ones make all the difference IMO), edamame, capers, artichokes, feta, and spring onion, parsley. Dressing is just lemon, olive oil, mustard and salt/pepper. There’s loads of variations and you can switch it up each week. Its sooo easy and delicious.
My go-to 5-minute dinner - ok this might sound seriously lazy and, but I’ve been buying those packets of pre-cooked salmon, packet of rice and any additional veggies as my dinner at least twice a week. Chuck on some seeds and you’ve got yourself a gourmet meal (kind of?) It honestly takes minutes to make and is healthy. win/win. Better than crying into a bowl of pasta for one every night.
3. You might be the oldest living there (and that’s okay)
I had a panic when I agreed to sign the contract because I suddenly realised that I was the oldest living there and I had a freak out about it. It was made worse when one of the flatmates asked me when I left uni and was shocked when I said about seven years ago.
After a mild meltdown to on the phone friends I decided it does not matter. It’s completely fine if I’m the oldest one there. It does feel mildly embarrassing, but I’ve learnt that that’s in my head mainly. I’m allowed to still be figuring things out. It’s a trust the process type of situation. This is where I’ve landed for right now and that’s okay.
So, if you’re in a similar situation and feeling like you’ve regressed a bit living in a house full of twenty-somethings – know that I’m with you. It can feel scary when your friends are starting to buy houses, and you have found yourself in a less-than-ideal housing set-up. But remember, its not forever. Try and feel grateful for having your own space (however small) while you navigate this transition. When you start to let go of expectations about where you should be things do feel lighter (it’s hard to do, I know).
Oh yes, and you might have to be alright with being the only one who sorts the recycling for a while.
4. Get out the house!
Doom scrolling in bed in the evenings is not going to make you feel good. Neither is staying inside all weekend. This is the perfect time to throw yourself into work, a new hobby or that thing you’ve always wanted to do but never actually got round to.
I’ve personally found it useful to keep myself busy on the weeknights. This is when I can start to feel a bit shit about my life. I work from home, so its extra needed for me. I am now busy each weeknight and I’ve never watched less TV.
Keeping your weeknights full helps massively because it helps to takes the pressure off the weekends. They can sometimes feel scary if you’re newly single. My advice would be to keep your week as jam packed as possible, and then it can actually be a nice respite to have a lazy Sunday. Not to mention you feel great from accomplishing so much in the week!
One thing I will say about weekends is – don’t fall into the trap of waiting on friends to be free to do something. Just do it yourself if they are busy. Go to that exhibition/cinema/lunch-spot alone. Get a coffee and go for a walk, I’ve learnt that doing it alone is actually quite nice.
Make the effort to get to know your house mates
Now I can have a tendency of being quite introverted these days. And it can be easy to stay in your room especially when you are not in the mood to socialise. In a flatshare there is a definite air of it being temporary. People come and go after a few months; it’s not a place to settle long term (at least this flatshare doesn’t seem to be). So, it can feel even easier to just live there without fostering any real connections. But I have learnt that even a little goes a long way. Arrange a drink every now and again, spend some quality time with the people you are living with. People appreciate it, and it makes the house feel a tiny bit more like home.
That’s all for this week’s musings, guys. If you are in a similar situation and living in a flatshare post break-up tell me how its going!
I’d love to hear from you.
x
Always important to make your base feel homely. I’ve moved around a lot and have certain trinkets, rituals and creature comforts that always make me feel a bit more at home! Now it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have them! Lovely read - thank you for sharing ☺️
When I went through my most recent breakup one of the first things I did was rearrange my living space! Afterward, it felt more open and it's now where I land to tend to myself. Thanks for sharing!